Wrestling with God

I can't help but write this post after reading Jacob's story about wrestling with God in my daily devotion this morning. I know that it's threatening to write a personal experience in a public blog like this but I just feel like God wants me to expose my current learning experience.

Genesis 32:22-32 tells about Jacob wrestling with a man whom he later found out was actually God. Jacob fought so hard like a man  who wouldn't allow him to be overpowered. And because Jacob wouldn't concede, God broke Jacob's hip so he would limp. Jacob did not let this man go until he was blessed. And right there God changed the name of Jacob to "Israel" because of that encounter. Jacob was never the same again.

I don't really care about the theology of this story and the details whatsoever. I just wanted to write because I very much relate to Jacob. I have a recent "wrestling with God" experience and guess what? Like Jacob, I didn't win. It was funny looking back to the past months when all the struggling happened. God wanted me to do something that I just thought then was really stupid. The urge was so STRONG and FREQUENT yet I thought I was strong enough to  shrug it off, steady my mindset and move on as if everything was okay. I was offering God an alternative to what he wanted me to do. I bargained and I delayed, simply because what God wanted me to do was very costly and difficult and painful. Although I would never win against God, I still fought just to see how long I could delay it. Until he broke something in me that left me no choice but to finally surrender, like how he broke something in Jacob that made him stop fighting. God knew that I gotta hurt now and force me to obey him (I'm thankful that he forced me to obey him) rather than keep fighting him and suffer a greater consequence in the future.

I'm not very proud to say that I had a wrestling encounter with God. It's always more "Christian" to share stories of obedience, PROMPT obedience that is. But what comforts me is how Jacob's wrestling with God ended. I know that I my name wouldn't change like Jacob's. What I'm looking forward to is that JACOB NEVER WALKED THE SAME AGAIN because of his injury. This wrestling with God caused him to change. And I'm dearly praying that I would have that same change. I got something broken and I hope that it would cause me to walk differently. And this would forever remind me of God's dominance over my life.

Jacob heard blessings from God right after their fight. I wish that I could also hear something directly from God's voice that could help me walk on by despite of my limp. But I know He has not left me, that as I walk, he carries me through. I also know that the succeeding events in Jacob's story is his reconciliation with his enemy brother Esau who longs to kill him. A victory. And it reminds me of the DIP which means that a valley is always sandwiched by two mountains (peaks/high). And it's  encouraging to know that there's a coming victory ahead of this experience.

So if you feel like God has something he wants you to do, just do it. Because even if you fight, you'll still have to eventually do it. But even if you've done it, don't dig deeper into your pit. Remember that you will never be the same after God touches you.